Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Heartbreaks and Competitions (AKA the last Ex-Related Post EVER)

This whole year I have felt an imaginary force, a competition between my ex and me to see who can get the most accomplished and have the biggest transformation. Hint: the answer needed to me "me." Now that I think about it, that was stupid. Especially because no matter how many status updates I posted about how great I was (I didn't do that though because I'm not fifteen anymore) he WOULDN'T CARE. That's why we were BROKEN UP. But it was a good driving force to get off my ass and do things. "Said Ex would be really impressed by this, if we were still together," I said to myself, but it just meant "Stop being such a waste of life and looking at other people on Facebook in whoreish clothes having fun at their party colleges." The only one of my accomplishments I posted, he responded to, but that was an April Fools joke saying I got accepted into Yale.

So this post is just for fun; I have no feelings left for my ex, and I wish him and his new girlfriend well. So without further ado:

If break-ups were award shows, like the Emmys or the Grammys broadcasting the past year with designer dresses and tepid celebrity hosts, here is how the awards would probably play out, although I only have a vague idea of what he could possibly be doing:

Most Tears Shed: Me
Most Weight Lost After Breakup: Me
Most Weight Lost, Overall: Him
Most Disco-Fries Used to Cure Loneliness : Me
Quickest to Find Someone New: Him
Most attempts by ex's family/friends to be contacted: Me
Most times trying to drink one's problems away that just ended catastrophically: Me (actually I don't really know about this statistic)
Most school-related priorities: Him, by a hair.
Better Grades: Me (I only know these two because we had a conversation once about keeping grades up while pledging)

And the clincher that makes this whole post somewhat "okay" to write (I don't need counseling, really, I'm fine):
Better Off Without the Other: Me!!!!!~*~**~*~~*