My Throwup Stories.

So, I am known within my group of friends for my bad gag reflex. No, not in that way, you pervs. I just throw up at really weird times for really weird reasons. Most of the time it's because I'm surprised. My friends find these to be very funny, which is something that alleviates the pain and humiliation of actually, um, throwing up. They joke that if it's a surprise when I get engaged I'll throw up on the dude.

So, in chronological order, here are the stories my friends will be telling their grandchildren about me:

1. It was the summer before my junior year of high school, and I was on a car ride to South Carolina for vacation with my friend Ju and her mother and father. I slept the whole ride down. It was about 2 AM, and we stopped at a gas station in Virginia. Ju's mom told me to get a snack out of the cooler. I pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Took a bite. Felt something crunchy and sweet. Thought it was mold or something. Felt sick.

Ran out of the car, to the trashcan.

BLEHHHHHHHHHH.

"Was that crunchy peanut butter?" I inquired.

"Yes," replied Ju's parents.

And so the exaggerated anecdote goes:

"Do you not like crunchy peanut butter?" they asked.

"No, I was just surprised," I replied.

2. Setting: icecream place, after the school Band dinner of my junior year. I had just found out I was woodwind captain (woop woop!). It was one of the last weeks of school, and a few of my friends and I had gone out for ice cream after dinner. I was stuffed.

So there was a suave guy there from concert band, someone we all knew but none of us knew very well. He sashayed he'd his way into our friends group by going to prom with one of our friends.

So here I am with my huge cone of chocolate peanut butter ice cream, probably having just gotten over a cold that any lactose products would irritate. Did I mention I'm stuffed?

Suave Guy: So did you go to prom?
Me: No, I'm only a junior.
Suave Guy: Oh wow, if I'd had known you weren't going, I would have asked you.

At that moment, I started hacking up my lungs, as the cliche goes. I supposed I was surprised. But more like way too full to ingest ice cream.

Me: Excuse me.

I darted to the garbage can (we were outside thankfully.) BLEHHHH.

2a. Coldstone. I'm not sure when this was. Right after a trip to Chipotle. Friend mentions a guy who showed interest in me. Because I only like guys who are apathetic at best and I was absolutely full and feeling sick, you guessed it. BLEHHHHH.

3. The setting is my friend Nicole's graduation party, the summer before my senior year. I was in the deep end of the pool. My friend Becca (who is, like, the nicest smartest most non-malicious person ever) came up behind me by surprise and dunked me. Water in my lungs. Cough cough cough cough. Puke. Becca proclaims "That's disgusting." and swims away. Vomit disappears. Nicole's brother's fraternity jumps in soon after.

4. Spring of senior year of high school. Now ex-boyfriend and I decided we'd make baked ziti. Or he'd make it and I'd stand around and try to help him and EAT WHOLE CLOVES OF GARLIC WHILE I WAS WAITING?!? EAT FOUR OF THEM?!? Each one burned so much on the way down my throat, but I figured it was good for me. Until it wiped out my insides. BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH.

5. Summer after senior year, shore house in Sleazeside. White Castle, and other shore-related things.

Puked through my nose. BLEHHHHHHHH.

Male Friend: I'm going to hold your hair back like a good girlfriend!
Other Male Friend: [standing in the doorway] WOW I've never seen that happen before!

6. Edward 40-hands and naked Danny DeVito in It's Always Sunny. Need I say more?

The fact that I threw up in most of these instances is merely coincidental. But the stories are interesting. I have plenty more less-funny puke stories. Our project for the summer is to make Youtube movies of my throw up stories.

I be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness

So, two of my friends and I are doing a "Biggest Loser" contest.

We celebrated our "last supper" until the end of June with Chipotle burritos and something called The Farm from the icecream place Applegate Farm in Montclair. A Chipotle Burrito, as you probably know, is the size of a small football, filled with fat disguised as vegetables and rice. To describe The Farm, I'll use an SAT-style analogy: A garden is to an average sundae from Carvel as a Farm is to ___. Well, if you can't imagine this, it is a tub of ice cream with 16 scoops (4 flavors) and ours had gummy bears, cheesecake pieces, and cookie pieces.

Anyway, we weighed ourselves after we ate the burritos. My weight read a little higher than usual, probably because I had just ingested something that weighed more than my head.

And, of course, the prize for the competition is a Chipotle burrito. Full cycle, as we segue back into unhealthy eating habits.



I really want to win this, not because I want a burrito (although I'm psyched about it) but because it is a reason to get in shape and lose weight. If all of us change our lifestyles a bit, it will be easier to eat healthy.

I have been running semi-regularly all the while, but I have only lost 2 pounds. On Saturday my friend Matt took me on a trail called the Pipeline by my house, which had pretty trees and a place where you can jump off into some water. I didn't jump in because I didn't want to take off my shirt and reveal my beer belly, which is more like a disco-fries-every-week belly. Not so interesting or fun... more like the product of self-loathing and hopelessness. But I digress.

So after we went on the trail (which we didn't finish because I could not run 6 miles because I am not that awesome yet) we went to the track at our old high school. I did another 1/2 mile there, making my total about 2 1/2 miles says Matt, but I really have no clue. It felt good to run on dirt and clay, a nice alternative to the treadmill I'm used to (where my brother, whose webcam is across from it, once went on Chatroulette and show my huge running ass to an abundance of penises and creepy people). After we cooled down, as we were walking to the car, we had an impromptu HS class of 2009 reunion. I'm not going to get into it (BE THE BIGGER PERSON, RIGHT?). I am proud of my self control that I didn't sit down with a carton of ice cream (I waited till Sunday for that) and "take quizzes in Cosmo" after. However, I did eat my problems away in a more productive way: not having eaten since a Hot Pocket at 3, I did go to the diner at around 9 and order a huge panini. Carpe diem, though, folks.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my two friends with whom I am doing the Biggest Loser contest (that is the place of the inception of the idea.) We went to a beautiful dog-walking park with trees and a beautiful view, plus the view of some poor person's backyard, where they probably look out their window every day and find a college kid taking the Road Less Traveled and smoking a joint to celebrate.

Tomorrow, my friend Nicole and I are going to take a Zumba class (first one is free WOOOOOO.) My mom might go, too. Actually, I'm going to force her to go so there's someone in there who likes exercising less than I do.

Au revoir !

Awkwardity

So I frequent this blog Girl Goes East. Wait, don't click that yet I'mnotdonewiththisentry. The author is hilarious and writes Throwback Fridays and Awkward Wednesdays. We have something in common...all of my Wednesdays are awkward, too. In fact, every day is awkward for me.

Example:
I have been single for almost a year. Sometimes I tell my mom that I am going to be celibate, in jest. IN JEST.

Last Friday, my mother called me over to help her with her computer ineptitude. In the search engine box was, "Christian college singles." She proceeded to search through all the guys that were pictured in our area.

There is nothing wrong with online dating. There is something wrong with picking out an online date for your daughter, however. When she wasn't looking for one.


Other awkward things:

Scrambling around figuring out what to do after spilling a cup of water on your laptop. (Hint: The answer is not to keep using it. Learned that the hard way.)

Missing the bus and run-walking after it through a construction zone, as the bus driver recognizes you and gives you a sympathetic stare.

People on the 197 bus route that terminates in Pompton Lakes. Period.

An ex's mom not taking you off her "mass text message" list and then calling you.

Having an old hippie professor hug you goodbye. Three times.

This hasn't happened to me, but it's awkward: When someone changes his or her relationship status on Facebook, and people comment on it "congratulations." You're pretty much saying "Dudeski you're finally going to get laid and I don't have to listen to you whine or ignore your phonecalls anymore."