Monday, June 14, 2010

My Throwup Stories.

So, I am known within my group of friends for my bad gag reflex. No, not in that way, you pervs. I just throw up at really weird times for really weird reasons. Most of the time it's because I'm surprised. My friends find these to be very funny, which is something that alleviates the pain and humiliation of actually, um, throwing up. They joke that if it's a surprise when I get engaged I'll throw up on the dude.

So, in chronological order, here are the stories my friends will be telling their grandchildren about me:

1. It was the summer before my junior year of high school, and I was on a car ride to South Carolina for vacation with my friend Ju and her mother and father. I slept the whole ride down. It was about 2 AM, and we stopped at a gas station in Virginia. Ju's mom told me to get a snack out of the cooler. I pulled out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Took a bite. Felt something crunchy and sweet. Thought it was mold or something. Felt sick.

Ran out of the car, to the trashcan.


"Was that crunchy peanut butter?" I inquired.

"Yes," replied Ju's parents.

And so the exaggerated anecdote goes:

"Do you not like crunchy peanut butter?" they asked.

"No, I was just surprised," I replied.

2. Setting: icecream place, after the school Band dinner of my junior year. I had just found out I was woodwind captain (woop woop!). It was one of the last weeks of school, and a few of my friends and I had gone out for ice cream after dinner. I was stuffed.

So there was a suave guy there from concert band, someone we all knew but none of us knew very well. He sashayed he'd his way into our friends group by going to prom with one of our friends.

So here I am with my huge cone of chocolate peanut butter ice cream, probably having just gotten over a cold that any lactose products would irritate. Did I mention I'm stuffed?

Suave Guy: So did you go to prom?
Me: No, I'm only a junior.
Suave Guy: Oh wow, if I'd had known you weren't going, I would have asked you.

At that moment, I started hacking up my lungs, as the cliche goes. I supposed I was surprised. But more like way too full to ingest ice cream.

Me: Excuse me.

I darted to the garbage can (we were outside thankfully.) BLEHHHH.

2a. Coldstone. I'm not sure when this was. Right after a trip to Chipotle. Friend mentions a guy who showed interest in me. Because I only like guys who are apathetic at best and I was absolutely full and feeling sick, you guessed it. BLEHHHHH.

3. The setting is my friend Nicole's graduation party, the summer before my senior year. I was in the deep end of the pool. My friend Becca (who is, like, the nicest smartest most non-malicious person ever) came up behind me by surprise and dunked me. Water in my lungs. Cough cough cough cough. Puke. Becca proclaims "That's disgusting." and swims away. Vomit disappears. Nicole's brother's fraternity jumps in soon after.

4. Spring of senior year of high school. Now ex-boyfriend and I decided we'd make baked ziti. Or he'd make it and I'd stand around and try to help him and EAT WHOLE CLOVES OF GARLIC WHILE I WAS WAITING?!? EAT FOUR OF THEM?!? Each one burned so much on the way down my throat, but I figured it was good for me. Until it wiped out my insides. BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH BLEH.

5. Summer after senior year, shore house in Sleazeside. White Castle, and other shore-related things.

Puked through my nose. BLEHHHHHHHH.

Male Friend: I'm going to hold your hair back like a good girlfriend!
Other Male Friend: [standing in the doorway] WOW I've never seen that happen before!

6. Edward 40-hands and naked Danny DeVito in It's Always Sunny. Need I say more?

The fact that I threw up in most of these instances is merely coincidental. But the stories are interesting. I have plenty more less-funny puke stories. Our project for the summer is to make Youtube movies of my throw up stories.

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